22 February, 2013

Weaning Myself Slowly

Ladies and gents of the universe, I am attempting something you would never ever EVAH believe. It is a genuine stab at self-improvement.

I am working on using less profanity in my daily conversation.

What the funk!?! No ca ca poopy bad language? Pahhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Yes, I am an educated, well-mannered lady who loves the cuss words. It is in my bones from an early age. Growing up we had a lovely dog I named Jack, after this Jack on the telly:

John Ritter as Jack Tripper on Three's Company.
Jack had a terrible habit of chasing the cattle on our land. Nearly every time a cow moseyed near the fence, Jack would tear across the yard and do only what his cattle-herding instincts called him to do--herd. My dad would yell, "Jack get back here you son of a bitch!" so often I once at the tender and adorable age of two yelled, "Jack! Get back here ya sommmbabitch!"

Another time in my toddler years, my Aunt Debbie was pushing me on a swing. She pushed me higher and higher, and I was quite nervous. I finally hollered at her, "You're pissing me off!!!" It is now the stuff of Julie-cussed-a-lot-as-a-kid legend. 

I actually felt bad about my cussing into my teenage years. I did it as an act of rebellion, a thing that I knew annoyed the heck out of my elders and I could control. 

You might be wondering, Oh Ramona threw an f-bomb at school and now I have to watch my mouth. Oh ho ho, no. My kids know they are bad words. Iris even says, "Mommy, you just said the s-word when you dropped that can of beans on your foot." I simply want to limit it in my conversation.

My good friends and husband all had the same reaction. Good luck with that, Julie. Saying cuss words is just something I do. I don't talk like a sailor, but they are peppered here and there. They are the tao of Julie, and can they ever be severed from my personality?

I can't stop cold turkey. I am weaning off the cussing SLOWWWWLY. The first day I resolved to stop, I said five. The following day I said three. The following about four. This week I am proud to say I only said about one to two a day. This is improvement, folks. I keep joking to my husband I am going to end up like Annie Wilkes in Misery, full of repressed anger and flipping nuts. And saying words like "dirty bird" and "ca ca poopy." Kathy Bates, you are brilliant. You deserve all them shiny awards. 

Truth is, I can find a better way to express myself. Cussing makes people sound stupid, and I am not a stupid lady.


  1. William Goldman talks about the casting process for "Misery" in "Which Lie Did I tell?," how they got turned down for both roles by a whole lot of people and how he kept waiting for Rob Reiner to blame the script, but Reiner just plowed ahead until they found Kathy Bates & James Caan.

    As long as you're not "my biggest fan," we're cool. :-)

    1. But, I am a big fan of yours. I will try to keep it cool. If I don't, hide your ankles! ;)

  2. I wish you well on your journey.

    Having attempted a similar undertaking in my youth, please allow me to share an observation: I realized that my own journey was not complete when I no longer swore aloud, but when I no longer swore mentally. In other words, it wasn't enough for me to only utter, "Shoot!" when I dropped a can of beans on my foot, while mentally saying, "[REDACTED]!". The first time I mentally reacted to a situation by exclaiming, "Shoot!", I knew that I had conquered cursing.

    1. At first I was cussing A LOT in my head, but now I seem to be doing alright. I think I am over the hump. It will be a constant battle.

  3. Oh man, I swear all the time in my head. I thought it was acceptable. Sugar! I am pretty good at keeping it clean from my mouth, thank God, but that's mostly because my parents never swore. Seriously.

    Thanks for sending me your blog link. You made my day!

    1. See, you had good role models. My parents CUSSED, and then ironically got all miffed when we did.....hmmmmm. ;)